Exclusive to Rogers Park Bench
April 1, 2007
By Anonymous
CHICAGO - Alderman Joe Moore's soul (pictured here being gingerly held by a Cook County animal control officer) was captured late last night while it attempted to feed on the hopes, dreams and aspirations of the unsuspecting citizens of Rogers Park.
A large crowd had formed in the alley behind the 1300 block of Sherman Avenue around midnight, as police officers responded to reports of strange snarling sounds coming from inside a dumpster.
Earlier that evening a group of Northwestern University students were chased by what one Medill Journalism student described as a "large lumbering human-shaped fog." The sobriety of the student was in question, and the students' reasons for being in an alley in Rogers Park late on a Saturday night was unclear. A police officer at the scene was quoted as saying that MR. Moore's soul was, "one of the ugliest things I have seen in my 15 years on the force. And I've seen some ugly things. It clearly has no business being allowed to run around outside the Alderman's body terrifying citizens."
Initially, the location of Joe Moore's soulless body was unknown, but was later discovered at the 49th Ward aldermanic office at 7356 N. Greenview Avenue. The alderman's body, staggering about zombie-like inside of the office, was reportedly heard to hiss, "I'm melting! I'm melting. Gordon is a racist! Call Stroger! Call Schakowsky! Why doesn't anyone like me?!?"
With his soul in captivity and awaiting the possible filing of formal charges against the soul's corporeal body, the integrity of the upcoming aldermanic run-off election on April 17 may be in jeopardy. Kevin Cosgrove, the alderman's chief of staff, indicated that, "many voters would likely not notice much of a difference."
When asked to speculate on how well Alderman Moore might perform without a soul if he wins re-election, Mary Beth Divine said, "I never really thought of him as having a soul up until now, but this sort of explains a lot of things. It probably won't change a thing."
FOLLOW on SOCIAL MEDIA
Joe Moore's Soul Captured
Exclusive to Rogers Park Bench
April 1, 2007
By Anonymous
CHICAGO - Alderman Joe Moore's soul (pictured here being gingerly held by a Cook County animal control officer) was captured late last night while it attempted to feed on the hopes, dreams and aspirations of the unsuspecting citizens of Rogers Park.
A large crowd had formed in the alley behind the 1300 block of Sherman Avenue around midnight, as police officers responded to reports of strange snarling sounds coming from inside a dumpster.
Earlier that evening a group of Northwestern University students were chased by what one Medill Journalism student described as a "large lumbering human-shaped fog." The sobriety of the student was in question, and the students' reasons for being in an alley in Rogers Park late on a Saturday night was unclear. A police officer at the scene was quoted as saying that MR. Moore's soul was, "one of the ugliest things I have seen in my 15 years on the force. And I've seen some ugly things. It clearly has no business being allowed to run around outside the Alderman's body terrifying citizens."
Initially, the location of Joe Moore's soulless body was unknown, but was later discovered at the 49th Ward aldermanic office at 7356 N. Greenview Avenue. The alderman's body, staggering about zombie-like inside of the office, was reportedly heard to hiss, "I'm melting! I'm melting. Gordon is a racist! Call Stroger! Call Schakowsky! Why doesn't anyone like me?!?"
With his soul in captivity and awaiting the possible filing of formal charges against the soul's corporeal body, the integrity of the upcoming aldermanic run-off election on April 17 may be in jeopardy. Kevin Cosgrove, the alderman's chief of staff, indicated that, "many voters would likely not notice much of a difference."
When asked to speculate on how well Alderman Moore might perform without a soul if he wins re-election, Mary Beth Divine said, "I never really thought of him as having a soul up until now, but this sort of explains a lot of things. It probably won't change a thing."
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