Tuesday, November 6, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Gary Johnson Declares Early Victory 'On Principle'

Nov. 6, 2012 - Albuquerque NM - With voters still going to the polls across the nation, Gary Johnson has declared himself the winner of the presidential election. He made the announcement to a crowd of 17 neighbors and family members in his home today.

A guest enjoys a brownie in the Johnson home
Johnson served them lunch, which featured BBQ'd items cooked out back and several cases of locally brewed beer. Dessert included several trays of pot brownies laced with PCP.

"Enough!" shouted Johnson, near the end of the meal. "Look, the election is not officially over, I know, and hardly anybody will vote for me, maybe four or five percent," he said to the gathering. "But, dammit!"

 Gripping a brownie, he said that even though the polls are not closed yet, "I stand before you today and declare that on principle I am the winner of the election. I'm your next president. I win. I'm the winner. It's principle. Principle trumps all, dammit, laws be damned. Did the Founders of this nation care that they were breaking British law by revolting against them? No!"

Most of those in Johnson's living room nodded and clapped their hands, but one of the neighbors seemed confused. "Megan" lives on the next block down the street, and she asked Johnson about the laws that govern the outcome of an election.

"Laws are oppressive," Johnson said, calmy chewing his brownie. "Remember, we are Libertarians. We are more principled than most people, and we have little choice as I see it." He washed the brownie down with gulp of dark beer. "Do we respect anti-drug laws? Hell no," he said. "Why should election laws be any different? I'm the winner. I say so."

As the lunch ended, an ad hoc committee began forming for the purpose of making arrangements for Johnson's inaugural ceremony in January.

Nobody else is reporting this this , largely on principle. Developing, but no updates are planned.