Man Charged With Spanking His Monkey in Oak Lawn, Illinois

Don't let the kids read this: Let's say you're a young man living in Oak Lawn, Illinois, a suburban town on Chicago's southern border near Midway Airport. It has more than its share of taverns and sports bars, big car dealerships and cheesy bridal shops. It's Friday afternoon and your girlfriend is not with you. You're bored. What to do?

The obvious answer, of course, is to do what any creative future sex offender would do: Spank your monkey in a parking lot. You know, play with your ding-a-ling where other people might see you.

In related news, by the way, this May is the 17th annual "National Spank Your Monkey Month." It was started in 1995 in San Francisco and inspired - at least in part - by none other than a U.S. Surgeon General. (More on that below.)

On the afternoon of Friday, May 6, 2012, Mr. Jonte Jamal Spane, 18, of Oak Lawn, allegedly chose to entertain himself by loafing his mule - in his car, in a busy shopping mall parking lot. He was charged with public indecency that evening. According to a news report in Oak Lawn Patch, "Oak Lawn police tracked down an 18-year-old man after a woman said he exposed himself to her in a parking lot, reports said." The "reports," I can report, are the police blotters themselves.

The woman, reported Patch, "was walking back to her car in the Target parking lot at 4120 W. 95th St. when a dark colored Chevy Impala with a spoiler drove past her sometime after 3 p.m." Again, this is from the police report as reported by Patch.

A search for the car led police to Spane's home on South Tripp Avenue in Oak Lawn. There, police spoke with Spane's father.

During that conversation, says the Patch report, Jonte came out to talk to the officers. They took him in for questioning and he allegedly admitted that he had been choking his chicken in his car in that parking lot.

Let's have a big group "Eeeeeeewww!" now, shall we?

Spane meant no real harm, the Patch report said, which noted that he "told police he did not mean for the women to see his [ding-a-ling]," according to the police report. Police say there were two large empty bottles of baby oil inside of Spane's car. Spane is scheduled for a court appearance on June 8 in Bridgeview to address charges of public indecency.

Jonte Spane might want to tell the judge that he was just following the advice of former U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders. If the charges against him are true (and we believe in innocence until guilt is proven in court), then he might say that he was inspired by Elders.

Elders was forced to resign as Surgeon General after she gave a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994. Someone in the audience asked her if waxing one's dolphin could help to discourage sexual activity in young people. Elders answered, “I think [that] is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”

The prospect of teachers teaching kids the fine art of wanking freaked out parents and politicians all over the country, and Elder's early retirement came quickly. You can read more about this great moment in U.S. history here.

Masturbation does not have to be taught. It just comes naturally (pardon the expression). What does need to be taught to young folks, however, is the etiquette of pleasuring oneself. For starters, you should not do it in a car in the middle of the afternoon in a parking lot that has security video cameras rolling. Don't do it anywhere in public, thank you please. If you feel that you just can't control the urge to do so, please turn yourself in to the local police and just voluntarily list yourself as a future sex offender. It will save everyone a lot of trouble.