Thursday, May 7, 2009

Fight Back Against Same-Sex Boredom

Discretion Advised: This post is about sex and will refer to sexual acts. You okay with that? Alright, then read on. All this talk about same-sex marriage make be think about the millions of unhappy couples worldwide who are cursed by this sad situation. They are trapped, having the same sex over and over again, with no variety. Studies show that this kind of behavior causes boredom in a marriage and can even lead to divorce. You may know what I'm talking about. The same position every morning, noon, afternoon and night. It bores me, that's for damn sure. Some of my former same-sex partners were women with no imaginations. Same sexy negligee every night. Like what, they only had one sexy negligee? Ridiculous, and more to the point, boring. Ladies, some advice: Never wear the same negligee for two sessions in a row of sexual activity. Men, try brushing your teeth before engaging in coitus with your wife. She'll appreciate it, and the novelty will stimulate her. Positions are important, too. Missionary is perfectly fine. But every damned time? Use your imagination. For those of you with no imagination, pick up a copy of the Kama Sutra. Read it. Live it. Variety, as they say, is an entertainment magazine. It's also the spice of life. Here are six exclusive sex tips from Chicago News Bench: 1) Blindfold each other and play naked pin-the-donkey with your partner. 2) Dress up like CTA train station attendants and pretend you're helping someone through the turnstile. 3) Cover yourselves with compost and pretend that you're free-love hippies. 4) Get dressed, go to a restaurant, and remind everyone you see that you're both completely naked under your clothing. This will make both of your hot and ready for after dinner fun. 5) Get undressed, go to a restaurant, and deny that you're naked to anyone who challenges you. This will make both of your hot and ready for after dinner fun. 6) Pretend that you're the local alderman who's come over to discuss a big pothole, but one thing turns into another and then... well, you know, the alderman offers to fill the hole personally, if you catch my meaning. With just a little effort, you can help rid the world of the scourge of same-sex marriage. Come on fellow breeders! Spice it up! Now watch the extremely vanilla - but funny in a weird way - video below as two very boring women discuss really old ideas for defeating same-sex boredom. RELATED: Spice up your sex life US Catholic bishops: spice up your marriage with pillow fights and ... CommieBama Hats and More Chicago News Bench RSS Feed Follow ChiNewsBench on Twitter