Wednesday, January 21, 2009


FLASH! Late breaking word out of Washington, D.C. is that Barack Obama was sworn into office yesterday! He's our newest president now! FLASH! Yesterday, just hours after Barack Obama was sworn in as president, I was approached numerous times and asked for quarters on the street! I guess now that Obama is in, everybody is in such a good mood that they assume other people just want to give away their money! Which Obama will force all of us to do soon, anyway, so what the hell! Hey, anybody want change? FLASH! Word out of Washington, D.C. is that the former president, George W. Bush, was all friendly and stuff with Mr. Obama. FLASH! Unnamed sources tell Chicago News Bench that George W. Bush was not impeached! Can you believe that? Neither was former Vice President Dick Cheney! Can you believe that?!? FLASH! Former president George W. Bush never declared martial law, nor did he suspend the presidential election of last November, despite all the lunatic paranoids who claimed to "just know that he would." FLASH! The lunatic paranoids were wrong! FLASH! Prediction! By the end of July, many of those same lunatic paranoids will finally be in mental wards, driven totally over the edge by the fact that Bush is no longer there to kick around, and by the sudden realization that all the money and time they spent on "Impeach Bush" rallies and tee shirts and bumper stickers could have gone to buy more marijuana! FLASH! Barack Obama will be vilified by those lunatic paranoids not yet committed to rubber rooms when they realize that, with Bush gone, they can't help vilifying the sitting president, no matter who he/she/it may be. Remember Lyndon Johnson? He was a Democrat! The lunatics on the Left hated him! Even more than they hated Richard Nixon, although they'd never admit that. FLASH!! ANOTHER prediction! Before the end of May, somebody in Georgia will get national news attention when they insist that a stain on the side of their barn looks like Barack Obama, and - get this! - it cries tears of blood! News crews from around the globe will not report it as some whacko Christian insane delusion. Instead, they will report it as unquestionable proof that Obame really is the messiah after all, much in the same way they report on global warming (excuse me, "climate change")! FLASH!!! By August, lunatics around the nation will experience a secular form of a pseudo-religious epiphany when they realize that the false messiah Barack Obama is, well, a false messiah. It's not his fault that he is charismatic, and I don't blame him for the fact that he's a great speaker and he looks great throwing a bowling ball! Nope! It's the fault of all the lunatics who drank pitchers and pitchers of Kool-Aid that they stirred up and sweetened themselve! FLASH!!! Another prediction! Kool-Aid could raise it's price soon, what with the economy sucking so badly despite two full years of Democrat control of the Congress. FLASH!!! One more prediction! I predict that fewer people will be drinking Kool-Aid by September! Not because of the higher cost, but because of the bitter after taste. Subscribe to Chicago News Bench