Major Drainage Canal Fails

RESIDENTS OF ROGERS PARK, a neighborhood in the northeastern extreme of Chicago, are preparing for the worst flooding in years, just weeks after they rejoiced over a recently completed, major public works project.

The major drainage project, known as the Westgard Drainage Canal, was hailed by many as the greatest feat of civil engineering in the history of Rogers Park's 49th Ward, with the possible exception of Alderman Joe Moore's Pile O'Gravel on West Morse Avenue.

Recent work on a new superhighway that runs through the northern end of Loyola Park along Lake Michigain may be the culprit. When work crews laid down a thin layer of asphalt in a half-assed attempt to placate residents who are upset about the deteriorating park, they accidentally refilled the recently excavated the Westgard Drainage Canal. Dirt, pebbles and a few tiny chunks of loose asphalt overwhelmed the massive drainage canal, thus causing recent rainfall to send more water rushing into it than it was able to receive.

As a result, Rogers Park residents who live within a mile of the shore of Lake Michigan are filling sandbags and preparing for the worst. The Coast Guard has indicated that it may assist with an evacuation. Former aldermanic candidate Jim Ginderske, who really and truly met with a disaster expert prior to last February's local election, was not reached for comment. Alderman Moore doesn't give a shit about the ward anyway, so The Bench did not try to contact him.