Pass the Toilet Paper!

Lord knows I've tried, really. I may be a conservative but, contrary to popular belief, conservatives really do like the environment. Well, most of the environment, anyway. I personally could do without certain varieties of trees, and a number of insects really bug me. My point is that I like the environment and so wish to inflict as little harm upon it as possible. That's why I took Sheryl Crow's recent advice to heart. Which, in turn, is why I'll never take her advice again. You see, since April, I've only been using one sheet of toilet paper per sitting. I will, for the rest of my life, envision that skank's face every time I sit on a toilet. Take it from me, one sheet is not enough. I quickly noticed that people would not sit near me on the train or bus. Dogs took a particular interest in sniffing me. The drunk guys who sleep at the beach seemed to like me more, almost unconsciously, like a pheromone effect or something akin to it. To put it more bluntly, while keeping in mind that your six year old might be reading this too, I smelled awful. Eating a bean burrito, or anything with bulk, became a daunting prospect, for I knew, I just knew what would follow. They say beauty is pain. Okay, well good environmental stewardship can be painful too, I know, but I'm willing to make a sacrifice here and there for the sake of our flora and fauna. So, until yesterday, I was - uhm - wiping with only one square. No matter how big the job might have been, just one thin little square. Screw Sheryl Crow. That experiment is over. I've never been so damned uncomfortable in my life. Riding a bike, sitting on a chair, and other activities that involved my nether-regions were suddenly very challenging or downright embarrassing (literally). Yesterday I decided I'd had enough of the Crow Method of toilet paper usage. I went to the store and bought a fresh roll of TP. I plan to use the whole roll tonight whether I need it or not, just to spite her. I might even flush the toilet, but that's a whole other experiment.